the assorted works of  G. H. Spaulding

 

signage

 

Signage

 

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But, where did they bury the rest of him?

 

 

SomeGood Ones

 

Something to remember

It's better to break ground and fly into the wind than vice versa.

 

The most dangerous things

The three most dangerous things in aviation are a doctor in a Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9 and a flight attendant with a chipped tooth.

 

On check rides

The real objective of any check ride is to get the bastard out of your airplane.

 

On pilot survival

At the end of the day, controllers, ops supervisors, maintenance guys, weather guessers and birds are all trying to kill you. Your job is to not let them.

 

Experience vs youth

An Army colonel was briefing a class of Air Force, Navy, Army and Marine Corps pilots, all prospective attaches on their way to American embassies where their duties would include flying embassy aircraft. He related the details of a recent accident in which both of the pilot-attaches flying the plane at the time of the mishap were full colonels.

 “So remember,” he concluded, “the reflexes of an O-6 are slower than those of a younger pilot.”

A crusty Navy flier in the class responded: "I agree that younger pilots tend to have quicker reflexes than we do, but given enough time and experience in the air, the kids can learn to overcome that handicap!"

 

Solo Noises

 

Now that I’ve slipped those surly bonds of earth

For the first time all alone,

My hearing has gained newfound worth

Despite the rush of wind and the motor’s deaf’ning drone.

  How I struggle to maintain bravado and poise

Even as my ears—attentive to the engine’s mighty roar—

Detect yet another suspicious noise

I’ve never heard before.

 

Night noises

There are certain aircraft noises that can only be heard at night.

 

A veteran pilot’s powers of observation

Two veteran pilots are sitting on a park bench. Eventually, one says to the other:

   “By the way, Joe, how’s your wife?”

   “I think she’s dead.”

   “What do you mean?”

   “Well…the sex is the same as always, but the dirty dishes are starting to pile up.”

 

 

OOPS! Wrong e-mail address

 

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter.  They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel itineraries. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

   The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

   Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. Expecting messages from relatives and friends, she decided to check her e-mail and fainted after reading the first message. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw this on the computer screen:

 

 To:          My Loving Wife

 Subject:  I've Arrived

 Date:      2 Mar 2004

 

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

 

P.S.  Sure is hot down here!

 

 

 

Ronald Reagan on politics as a profession

 

"Politics is not a bad profession.  If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book"

 

 ---  Ronald Reagan

 

 

 

 

 

 

President Bush - on the ball

 

U.S. Navy aircraft carriers use a visual aid to let pilots know whether they are on the proper glide slope for landing. The item looks like a "meatball" and slides up and down a large lens to indicate the aircraft’s position relative to the glide slope. During a visual approach to the carrier, each pilot is directed by the air controller to "call the ball" when he has it sighted.

When President Bush flew aboard USS Abraham Lincoln in a Navy S-3 Viking to recognize the military’s superb performance in Operation Iraqi Freedom, the prescribed call from the pilot would have been, "Lincoln, Navy One, 12,500 pounds, roger ball." (Meaning: I have the President of the United States on board, I have the meatball in sight and I am on glide path. The weight is given to enable setting the correct braking tension of the arresting gear cables.)

But the president, occupying the right seat and manning the radios, reported: "Lincoln, Navy One, 12,500 pounds, I have the balls." 

According to someone who was there, “The president's call brought down the house and wild cheers erupted. No wonder the military appreciates and likes this man so much!” Bravo Zulu.

 

Best things in life

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm and a good shit. A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

 

Flyin' and lyin'

This story is attributed to former CNO ADM Jim Holloway, USN retired.

"One thing about Air Force pilots is that they lie a lot. You simply can't trust them at all. We had an argument one night at the Belvedore Inn, across from the main gate at NAS Pax River. A bunch of our F-14 Tomcat pilots at Strike were arguing with some F-15 Eagle drivers from Langley about who was better at what and which airplane was better. Well, we decided to settle it the next morning in the restricted area over the Chesapeake Bay. This is where we found out how much Air Force pilots lie!!"

"We all agreed to meet nose on at 35,000 and settle it once and for all. Don't you know those lying, sneaky bastards showed up at 40,000. God, what a bunch of lying low-lifes those Air Force types were, showing up with a 5,000-foot altitude advantage. Hell, if we hadn't been at 45,000, those lying Air Force dirtbags would have had us for breakfast!"

 

A “weighty” challenge

 Like puzzles? Try this one. You are given 12 stainless steel balls, all identical in appearance. However, one of the balls is either slightly heavier or slightly lighter than the other 11. Using a balance scale, you must determine which is the oddball and whether it is heavier or lighter than the others. You are allowed only three weighings.

 

Crossword puzzle for simpletons

                               

   1 Across: “To be or not to ___”

   1 Down: “To ___ or not to be.”

             Good luck!                     

                          

One of the best comeback lines ever

Air Force captain Patrick Lawrence, a 26-year-old F-16 pilot, was charged with lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication after his late-night arrest in a Georgia pumpkin patch. He was caught in the act by deputy sheriff Brenda Taylor having his way with a pumpkin in which he had carved an appropriately-sized hole with a pen knife. Deputy Taylor said: "Excuse me sir, but do you realize you're screwing a pumpkin?"

To which Lawrence replied: "A pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?"

 

Eh?

A conversation overheard one day among three seasoned pilots, all of whom suffered from the usual flying-related hearing loss, went something like this.

   One remarked to the others, “Windy, ain’t it?”

   “No,” the second replied, “it’s Thursday.”

   The third chimed in, “So am I. Let’s go have a beer!”

 

Other maladies

Three other old pilots, whose maladies involved something other than hearing loss, had the following conversation at the bar.

   The first said, “The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again.”

   To which the second opined, “The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it’s still a problem.”

   Finally, the third spoke. “That’s not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 a.m. sharp, I have a good long  pee.  At 6:30 a.m. sharp,  I have a great  bowel movement.  The best thing  that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 a.m.!”

 

Grover gets it up

 

Old Grover goes to the doctor to see about erection problems. "I'll be ridin' the tractor on the south 20," Grover said, "and the warm sun and the tractor vibratin' gets it up! But by the time I can get back to the house and maw gets ready, it's down--and I can't get it back up. Can you give me somethin' to help keep it up?"


The doc says no, he can't. Age carries its price. But--perhaps some signal could be arranged and maw would be prepared as paw arrived at the house? Maybe maw could even meet him halfway?


"Great idea!" says Grover "There's a little grove about halfway to the house from where I'm plowin.'  Me and maw used to have sex there when we was younger! It'd be a great spot. I'll carry my shotgun and when it's all up and hard, I'll fire that shotgun and she'll get there same time I do. Thanks, doc!"


Time passes. The doctor meets Grover at the bank one morning and asks how he's doing. Grover says he's okay. The doc asks how Grover's wife is, and Grover says, "Poor maw, she's dead!"


"Sorry to hear that," says the doc. "How did she die?"


"Just run herself to death durin' quail season!"

 

 

 

It takes a Texan to make you feel like a woman

 

On a recent flight from Chicago to Houston, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last moments on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

 

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane. Then a Texan stands up at the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts walking slowly up the aisle toward the young woman, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No one else moves. He removes his shirt, muscles rippling across his chest.

 

She gasps.

 

Finally he speaks: "Iron this, and get me somethin’ to eat!"

 

 

Why you can't send a woman to the hardware store


Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on another customer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.

 

Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

 
"My goodness that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back room to find it.


From the back room Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

 

To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

 

Life philosophy

You live, you die, they throw dirt in your face, the worms eat you. Be glad it happens in that order.

 

 

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"The Doolittle Raid: How America Responded to the Sneak Attack on Pearl Harbor"


The Mission That Saved Guadalcanal

"Enigmatic Man"

 "Ticket to Stalag Luft III"

Excerpts
DECREE Chapter 1
 

From
C-C-COLD WAR
SYNDROME

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"Inaugural Ball"
"Tailhooker"
"Don't Need No Stinkin' Badges"
"Coffee at the White House"

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