the assorted works of G. H. Spaulding


Romantic dinner



"The Land of the Free, Because of the Brave!"


by Frank Rodgers

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the
girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten. I got out my trusty
case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their
entirety contain 3000+ calories.

Here's what I made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets;
took out three of the Pork Chops;
three packets of Chicken-a-la-King;
and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles;
and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice.

I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic
and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and
rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like
succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass
pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed
of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat with the MRE cheese (kinda
like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice
cans. (Hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy,

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets
of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and
stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I
sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka
(yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for
$4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each -
Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie
kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess...could've
been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the
table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is
flippin EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put
the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the
food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking
me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew
a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift
"wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because
she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with
delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?'s Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh"
and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air
Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Marines even make smell good) and
returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look. After 10 more
minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the
second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???," as
she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they
sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and
again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest,
kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she
ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out
for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard
that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a slightly gray
pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is
wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your
bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and
relaxed. Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because
she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed
her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
"expeditionary rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously,
and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years
ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without
a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 3 days, and when she
finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the
hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high
caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again,
unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand. It was a fun
date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time
she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she
was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch. I know,
I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.













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